Levelling the playing field with clients
Agency-client relationships often get stuck in an unhealthy pattern: the client acts as a Critical Parent, the agency responds as an Adapted Child, over-promising, avoiding conflict, and absorbing blame. Drawing on Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis, this piece argues that agencies can reset the dynamic by shifting into the Adult ego state: calm, objective, and grounded. The change has to start with the agency, not the client.
“They just tell us what to do.”
“They’re impossible to please.”
“The harder we work, the worse it gets.”
If those laments sound familiar, you’re not alone. They could have come from almost any agency that feels on the back foot with its clients. They could also, frankly, have come from a family therapy session. (And that’s not a coincidence by the way – read on about parent and child ego states!)
Many unhealthy dynamics in agency – client relationships are caused by unconscious roles that both sides slip into and get stuck in.
And understanding and managing those may transform your difficult client relationship into a much more balanced and positive one.
The hidden dynamics in agency-client relationships
When a client becomes overly critical, controlling or demanding, agencies often respond by working harder, agreeing faster, and promising more.
On the surface, this looks like commitment. Psychologically, it represents something else.
It’s a pattern described in Transactional Analysis, outlined by psychologist Eric Berne in the 1960’s. His work asserts that in all relationships, people unconsciously operate from one of three “ego states”. These ego states are largely shaped through our experiences when we are young, as we watch and learn from the behaviours and feelings displayed by eg parental figures, or replay thoughts and feelings from our own childhood.
- Parent – critical or nurturing
- Adult – rational, grounded, objective
- Child – compliant, emotional, or playful
As social beings, we are fluid and move between these states at different times and in different interpersonal relationships. The problem is when a relationship becomes locked into one unhelpful behavioural pattern that results in an imbalance of power.
In agency-client relationships. the most common behaviour trap is this:
Client = Critical Parent – controlling and critical
Agency = Adapted Child – compliant, conforming to the wishes of the client
And once that pattern starts, both sides reinforce and perpetuate it — without realising.
The harder you try, the worse it can get
When agencies feel under pressure, they often slip into “please mode.”
They over‑promise.
They avoid challenge.
They hide bad news.
They accept unworkable deadlines.
Ironically, often this behaviour doesn’t appease clients – it can make them even more demanding and critical.
Why?
Because the more an agency assumes the Adapted Child ego state, the more it triggers a client to step into a Critical Parent ego state. Control increases. Criticism sharpens. Demands get worse.
From the client side, this feels like they are justifiably putting the agency through its paces. From the agency side, this feels unfair and exhausting.
Both interpretations miss the real issue : the relationship has become Parent-to-Child, rather than Adult‑to‑Adult.
Adult-to Adult – the best chance of developing a balanced relationship
No one ego state is better than the others – they all have their uses and we cycle through them regularly. But the grounded Adult position is generally the most beneficial to hold in everyday interactions with clients. It is likely to invoke an Adult position in response, and keep the power dynamic balanced.
An Adult ego state doesn’t mean being cold or bureaucratic. It means:
- Responding to the here and now
- Being objective and sticking to the facts
- Remaining calm, not reacting
- Asking questions, not jumping to conclusions
- Accepting another’s point of view
- Being reasonable
- (But resisting the temptation to simply yield to your client)
Agency teams that get stuck in the Adapted Child state often report anxiety, resentment, helplessness and ultimately burnout. But becoming aware of the part that ego states play in your relationship can give you the necessary insight to reframe the relationship and get on the front foot with your clients.
To change your client, you may need to change yourself
One of the most powerful shifts agencies make is realising this:
Continuing to blame the client for their behaviour doesn’t achieve much. You don’t in fact need the client to behave differently first. In practice, change starts with the agency becoming aware of its own reactions and behaviours.
Are we placing ourselves in the position of Adapted Child? And if so, how and where? And how do we change those behaviours to be Adult instead?
From there, a reset plan can help to gradually shift the relationship back to Adult‑to‑Adult. The whole team will need to play their part, and it may take weeks and months to affect, but it can make a significant difference.
In summary
If you feel like you’re constantly “on the back foot” with a client, take a step back before jumping to changing the work, the process, or the team.
Ask a different question:
What ego state are we in in this relationship? And what ego state are we invoking in our client?
Most client relationships don’t become challenging because of poor output. They become challenging because of unconscious relationship games that go unnoticed.
The agencies that turn around difficult relationships are not necessarily the ones that work all hours to please their clients. They’re often the ones that step up – calmly, clearly and consciously into the Adult state – and deliberately lay the groundwork for an Adult‑to‑Adult relationship with their client.
And once that happens, everything else gets much easier.
